How About a Hug?

This week's epiphany: I am mean to myself! I was reading Little Miss Runshine's most recent post: 'I'm Racist?' and was struck by the honesty in her post. How often do we say things to ourselves that we would never dream of saying to a someone we didn't like, let alone a friend? Yet, these are some of the same things we say to or about ourselves! I commented on her post, mentioning that just a few minutes earlier I had come in from a wicked hard class at the gym where I worked really hard. What did I announce as I walked in the door? I didn't say, 'Wow, I really pushed myself!' or 'The instructor commented on my form multiple times saying it was 'perfect''. No, instead I announced,

  "It's time to commence operation 
cool down the fat chick". 

The amazing part isn't really that I said this. Sadly, I say things like this to myself and out loud to my husband a lot.  The amazing part is that I didn't realize how mean and cutting this was until I read Little Miss Runshine's post and actually wrote the words out. I was stunned as I wrote them. For the first time, I really felt the pain and bite of them. Poor me. Seriously. For the first time, I really felt those words as being said to me from someone else. I know that sounds strange, but it hurt as if someone else said it - I really heard it, instead of just letting it slide by as my inner monologue.

I also thought about the shape that I am in right now. The sad part, again, isn't that I have let myself gain these 30 pounds. The sad part is that when I look back at where I was for 2 years I treated myself the same. I was just as frustrated at my weight, the way my clothes fit and my extra bit of belly. How had I worked so hard to get to that point and not celebrated my accomplishments? I deserved to be proud of my strength and my endurance. Instead, it went unnoticed and, worse, persecuted for not being good enough. This realization was a big one for me, and last night brought a lot of things to light that I had not realized before.

Class last night was great, and I even had to stop a few times because I was dripping sweat and way too hot. I got up this morning and headed back to the gym for a run. It was hard after last night's class, but I managed to get in a few faster minutes (4.5mph) mixed into my 4.0mph run. w00t w00t! I have much to be proud of and much to celebrate, even if I do have 30 pounds that would feel great to lose. I have a husband who loves me, regardless! I have a wonderful, beautiful house that is 1 mile from the ocean. I have a job that lets me do the kind of work that I only dreamed I could do when I was in grad school. I have 2 dogs that wag uncontrollably for me when I get home. I have a family that loves me and supports me. The list really does go on and on. Oh, and I have a strong, healthy body that is only limited by the stories I tell myself and the abuse I inflict on myself.

What does your inner monologue sound like?
Do you say things to yourself that you would never say to someone else?