Race Recap.... Coming Soon

Life is frustrating me. I am feeling pulled in a thousand different directions with a thousand different things that need to be completed yesterday. This morning, for what may be the first time in my entire life, I legitimately ate a doughnut. My day had really taken a twist I hadn't expected and I was running late for my next meeting - my next 1.5 hour meeting. It was the only option. As it turns out an apple was also an option, which I took with me and inhaled just as quickly as the doughnut.

Why was the Princess 1/2 so special for me? It was the 5th anniversary of the race. It was our fifth wedding anniversary the exact same day. I am heavier than I have been in a long, long time and I had virtually no faith in myself. The lack of faith isn't much of a surprise, but it did feel different this time for some reason. Aside from cheating myself on my training I had done everything possible leading up to the race: lots of water beforehand, avoiding sketchy foods beforehand, and perhaps most important starting early with fuel and water while running.

Turns out it was also special because I am excited for the next race. Now that I've done two 1/2 marathons, I really do mean it that I like that distance. I also really like writing that I've done 2 since 1 could be a fluke. Having completed 2 feels more like a reflection on me, lends a sense of legitimacy to the idea that I am a runner. When I was 18 I got a tattoo, and I still am glad about that decision. In the last two weeks I have been thinking that getting a tattoo that symbolizes 13.1 in some way is what I want. It can't be taken away from me, no matter what, and that is worthy of a permanent reminder on my body. That might sound strange, but I need something concrete to embed it into my being, into my psyche. Are there other ways in which it could be solidified with a tattoo?

Monday Recap

Another attempt to remember all that I ate:

6:30am: bagel with provolone cheese, ham

10:00am: yogurt

11:00am: coffee with equal and creamer

12:30pm: banana, lettuce/spinach with balsamic

3:30pm: yogurt

5:00pm: chicken wing

7:30pm: beans/cheese/chicken with salad and chips, tequila/seltzer water/juice

These entries are focused entirely on what I am eating - and not on how I'm feeling or anything else that one might think would be included in a journal. I think it's time to make this public and go back to a regular paper journal. 

Sunday Recap

I am writing this Tuesday, and will do my best to recall all that I ate. I went for a run, and it felt good. 

8:00am: Rest of the burger

10:00am: Oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, brown sugar, maple syrup, vanilla yogurt, raisins

1:00pm: lemon pound cake, hot cafe mocha

3:00pm: power bar

6:00pm: nachos (chips, salsa, guacamole, beef/cheese, bell pepper)

7:00pm: spaghetti with cheese/butter/garlic, roasted chicken wing

8:00pm: 2 thin mints and 2 butter cookies 

Long Day

Built the new community garden at Pearce Street today - it went much better than the build at Jax Beach.

8:15am: cinnamon crunch bagel with honey/walnut cream cheese
10:00am: 2 chocolate chip cookies
12:00pm: orange juice
2:00pm: bagel with egg/cheese/bacon
5:00pm: root beer, double cheeseburger and fries

I am still feeling swamped with work, and will spend Sunday working.

Struggling Today

Being really hungry during the day was not as stressful and challenging as it might have been. The tricky part was when I got home. I was tired. I was hungry. I had a lot more work to do. I ate 1 nutrigrain bar. I ate another. Then I scarfed down a third. I made wiser choices as the night went on - seltzer water and juice instead of caffeinated soda. I opted for the light, frozen burrito over Taco Bell. I opted for a cup of sweet tea instead of a bag of candy from the store.

7:00am - Bagel with sausage, piece of cheese
9:30am - Coffee with 2 equal and coffeemate
12:00pm - Piece of cheese and an apple
1:30pm: Pasta with chicken, relish, mayo, mustard, spinach
4:30pm: Yogurt
7:00pm: 3 nutrigrain bars
7:30pm: Annie's frozen, light burrito, Juice with seltzer water
10:00pm: Tea sweetened with agave

I tried to talk back to the urge I was having for the nutrigrain bars. I know it wasn't a healthy choice to eat all 3, but they did taste really good. ....

Details of the Day

Breakfast: 3 eggs, spinach, 2 pieces of provolone cheese, ketchup (8:00am)
Snack: Power bar (10:00am)
Snack: Mini power bar (11:00pm)
Snack: Apple (12:30pm)
Lunch: Pasta, chicken, mayo/relish/mustard (1:30pm)
Snack: Nutrigrain bar (4:30pm)
Snack: Yogurt (6:00pm)
Dinner: Sweet potato fries, 2 hotdogs, salad (7:30pm)

I was hungry throughout the day, but tried to drink more water and focus on what I was doing at the moment instead of my hunger. A small salad at lunch might also help with my hunger throughout the day, but some of it is just waiting for my stomach to shrink down and expect less food.

I had one craving for m&ms, right before I left for my late afternoon meeting. I was hungry, and a strong desire for them came over me just as I noticed the container where I keep them. I acknowledged the craving, told myself no, and kept going. I did decide to have another small snack, which at that point was the nutrigrain bar. It wasn't the best choice in terms of keeping me satisfied until dinner. The yogurt sure helped though!

I went for a short run and did a lot of stretching. The run was a challenge, but it felt good! I did the entire 30 minutes at a 5% incline and went just over 1.7 miles.

Lots of Little Voices

Riding this morning was a bit easier, and makes me think my legs are getting stronger. My right ankle still hurts, and I have some exercises to try in hopes of strengthening it. Tomorrow I plan to run and lift some weights.

I found an email this morning from Vina, talking about her own inner voice and how she learned to listen. My inner voice likes my life - wonderful job, great house, incredible husband, and lots to be thankful for. My inner voice knows the kind of relationship I want with myself. My inner voice keeps quiet under the constant rattle of self loathing and the strangling grip of cravings. On Sunday my inner voice spoke up. It was simple really, to ask how I might do better if I fed myself differently. If I fed myself with love and vibrant food it was possible I could run faster and with greater ease. There was no insult or anything to put myself down, just a simple question. 

Breakfast (8:15): Stonyfield yogurt, bagel with 1 piece of cheese and 2 pieces of ham
Snack (11:00): Belvita
Lunch (12:30): Stonyfield yogurt with cashew butter, coconut flakes and raisins
Snack (3:30): Apple
Snack (6:15): 2 pieces of ham
Dinner (7:15): Spaghetti, cheese, and two sausages

   How did I fill today? I filled it with reminders that my frustration is coming from a concern over being able to do well at work. Still. I filled it with reminders of wonderful my husband is to me. I also filled my day with good food. I didn't chose vegetables at all, but did make a point of including lots of proteins and smaller amounts of carbohydrates. My morning snack could be veggies with hummus or veggies with tuna/egg salad. My bagel could have instead been a pasta salad that included broccoli, spinach, and beets with feta. With pasta already made in the fridge this should be an option for tomorrow.

Little Voices

Whole, real food. I struggle with the best ways to reach my goals. Worse still is the fact that my goals are always changing. Perhaps they all boil down to the same idea of being happy and healthy, but it gets so crazy in my head. I go from restricting and being hyper-focused to deciding that type of control isn't worth it and it doesn't matter how fat/thin I am as long as I am happy and can do all that I want. It's cyclical and ultimately leaves me hating myself, feeling defeated, and feeling weak.

I have made changes in the last 8 months. I am more aware of why I eat the way that I do, the type of mood that I am in and why, and the way my priorities in day to day life don't reflect what actually becomes my priority in day to day life. It has to be more than just wanting to be thin. It has to be trusting myself, accountable for my actions, and checking in with my priorities each day. I let a lot of time slip by because of fear and self loathing.

I am starting to fall asleep. My goals? Lots of things like 'not hating myself' or 'fitting into my clothes' or 'running 9 minutes miles' are all on the list. I closed the blog so I could talk freely about all of these issues. I go back and forth between a hard copy journal  and an online journal, which basically means I don't journal at all. These are the types of things that I want to change.   I am going to start over in the 'Healing the Hungry Heart' book, and work on 3 meals a day with 2 snacks that are nutrient dense and whole.

Being Thankful

Today I am thankful for my health. As the verb 'being' implies, I think of thankful as an active state of being. How do I display my thankfulness for my health? I went out for a run this morning. I am thinking about the food options that will be available and ways that I can keep the focus of the day from being on only the food (bringing crocheting). I am readjusting my scheduled runs so that the distances allow for adequate recovery time. It's about having some sugar and some nutritionally empty foods, but only a little and only if I can really enjoy them in moderation and move on. I show my thankfulness for my health by fueling my body with nutritionally dense food.

And one more that I absolutely love, love, love. 

Be a hill seeker

I found this saying on Hungry Runner's blog. It's quite fitting since I am incorporating hills into my workouts now. It's slowing me down, but I know the Princess 1/2 has those beveled ramps so I'm preparing this time around. My time is improving as is my stamina. This time around I am also incorporating more cross training, which I know helps. It may make it harder to recover day to day, but overall fitness will do more for my time than focusing on just getting in miles. 

I have missed my distance runs these past two weeks, and so tomorrow I am on deck for 8, maybe 9, miles. A big jump!! Time doesn't matter, only getting the miles covered and being sure to treat myself well in recovery. 

My weight is trending downwards still, which is very motivating. It's just absolutely, critically imperative for me to log my food in order to have success with losing weight. These stickers are also helping to keep me motivated. I'm not very good at deciding when I deserve one, but it helps keep me thinking in the direction of positiveness and encouragement. 

How do you keep motivated? Is it a challenge to reward yourself?