Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How About a Hug?

This week's epiphany: I am mean to myself! I was reading Little Miss Runshine's most recent post: 'I'm Racist?' and was struck by the honesty in her post. How often do we say things to ourselves that we would never dream of saying to a someone we didn't like, let alone a friend? Yet, these are some of the same things we say to or about ourselves! I commented on her post, mentioning that just a few minutes earlier I had come in from a wicked hard class at the gym where I worked really hard. What did I announce as I walked in the door? I didn't say, 'Wow, I really pushed myself!' or 'The instructor commented on my form multiple times saying it was 'perfect''. No, instead I announced,

  "It's time to commence operation 
cool down the fat chick". 

The amazing part isn't really that I said this. Sadly, I say things like this to myself and out loud to my husband a lot.  The amazing part is that I didn't realize how mean and cutting this was until I read Little Miss Runshine's post and actually wrote the words out. I was stunned as I wrote them. For the first time, I really felt the pain and bite of them. Poor me. Seriously. For the first time, I really felt those words as being said to me from someone else. I know that sounds strange, but it hurt as if someone else said it - I really heard it, instead of just letting it slide by as my inner monologue.

I also thought about the shape that I am in right now. The sad part, again, isn't that I have let myself gain these 30 pounds. The sad part is that when I look back at where I was for 2 years I treated myself the same. I was just as frustrated at my weight, the way my clothes fit and my extra bit of belly. How had I worked so hard to get to that point and not celebrated my accomplishments? I deserved to be proud of my strength and my endurance. Instead, it went unnoticed and, worse, persecuted for not being good enough. This realization was a big one for me, and last night brought a lot of things to light that I had not realized before.

Class last night was great, and I even had to stop a few times because I was dripping sweat and way too hot. I got up this morning and headed back to the gym for a run. It was hard after last night's class, but I managed to get in a few faster minutes (4.5mph) mixed into my 4.0mph run. w00t w00t! I have much to be proud of and much to celebrate, even if I do have 30 pounds that would feel great to lose. I have a husband who loves me, regardless! I have a wonderful, beautiful house that is 1 mile from the ocean. I have a job that lets me do the kind of work that I only dreamed I could do when I was in grad school. I have 2 dogs that wag uncontrollably for me when I get home. I have a family that loves me and supports me. The list really does go on and on. Oh, and I have a strong, healthy body that is only limited by the stories I tell myself and the abuse I inflict on myself.

What does your inner monologue sound like?
Do you say things to yourself that you would never say to someone else?


  1. As I've been following your efforts on your blog I've been thinking something to myself for quite a while. Your post has inspired me to say it "out loud." I admire you. I admire that you make an effort to improve at something that is difficult for you. I admire that you make it a priority. I admire that you take time to learn about this topic and I admire that you share that knowledge with us. I admire that you do this all publicly.
    Keep up the good work! Please don't think or talk down about yourself. For you are actually following through with all this while I just sit on my couch thinking about going for a walk (not even a run!) or starting a blog but never actually doing it.
    By the way, your post reminded me of this website. I thought you might be interested in it if you haven't heard of it before. http://operationbeautiful.com/

  2. I'm so glad I inspired you! Love yourself and know you are beautiful! You damn better celebrate your accomplishments even if no one else does! Sometimes other people don't notice, but you are supposed to make YOU happy. Great job at your class! Keep up the great work!

    Be nice to yourself, you deserve it! :)

  3. Thank you, both of your comments mean a lot to me! I am trying hard to make changes that will last and give me the healthy lifestyle that I want. I know that means being honest, and it's not always easy, but the blog definitely helps me.

  4. I read both your post and Little Miss Runshine's post and you are both so right! I find myself saying the same stuff all the time, and what for?! Thank you both for addressing it so honestly!

  5. My inner monologue often argues with itself. I catch myself saying or thinking something negative, and try to turn the thought around or at least recognize where the thought or comment originated from. I also will think back to a moment where a good friend called me on my self-negativity. I forget the reason behind my comment, but my friend and I were out on a bike ride and I commented that 'I'm not always the brightest.' My friend turned to me very seriously and said, 'don't you ever let me hear you say something like that again.' She also went on to say something positive about me, but what I remember is the directness of her refusal to let me be negative about myself.

    It's a difficult mindset to change, and I don't think I will ever reach a point where the thoughts don't arise, at least occasionally. But I'm better at recognizing them and letting them go when they do arise. Maybe start there? Start with naming the thought, recognizing it, and then countering it with a positive thought. :) I think you're pretty awesome just the way you are.