I Found My Wagon

I didn't exactly stay on the wagon last time, but then again I got pregnant with my first baby the next summer. Sixteen months later, and I am finally back on my wagon. It's dusty, and I have some tuning up to do, but I'm registered for a 5k, loving my running stroller, and have 2 weeks of 3 workouts each week accomplished. I am eager to keep at it, share my progress, and find my footing in this new, mama life.

Starting at the beginning 

1.9.26 or 665 days

A really long time! It's been 1 year, 9 months and 26 days  since I last blogged on here. I'm sure most of my past followers have purged me from their list, but it's time to start again. I just went through my blog list and updated it, leaving one that I hope comes back someday.

So, what's happened in the last 665 days? Well, I haven't done many races and I haven't actually lost any weight, in fact I've continued to gain weight. However, we did sell our beach house and buy 4 acres so we could live the homesteading dream we've always wanted. And, I joined roller derby. An amazing, full-contact sport full of supportive, bad-ass women; derby is so unbelievably hard! I never skated as a kid, not 'haven't taken lessons since I was a kid', not 'ice skated all the time as a kid', not 'rollerbladed everywhere, but only tried roller skates a dozen times', but actually put roller skates on maybe 3 times total, never in public and never where anyone could make fun of me see. Needless to say, the learning curve has been steep, and I'm incredibly self-conscious so my progression is going at a turtle's pace, but I am progressing, have met some amazing people and have no intentions of quitting.



Me. My very first night. I could barely move on my own, let alone actually skate. A vet skater actually held my hands so I could make 2 laps around the track without the wall. I slipped, fell and hit my head.




Me. My 1 year anniversary. I can now do 18 laps (we have to be able to do 25 in order to pass our minimum skills). I can hop. I can crossover. I can weave. I can skull. I can skate backwards.

I'm signed up for the 10k at Disney's Marathon Weekend in January. I'm signed up for the 10k at Disney's Star Wars Half Marathon Weekend in April. I'm going to sign up for a 5k this month, next month and in December.

My goal? To lose 30 pounds by May. This isn't an arbitrary goal; it's 1 lb/week, the time I will be, hopefully, passing all my minimum skills in derby and ready to bout, and not too far away that it's unreasonable.

And so, I'm back! I'm training like a girl, which also means 'skating like a girl'! Y'all are along for the ride to get me to my goal of burning away 30 pounds of fat, running faster and getting myself onto a derby team.

Today I Hate Myself

My patience are pretty much non-existent. For every one thing I accomplish or do 'right', I trample it and think of the six unfinished tasks on my list or the one email that went out with a spelling mistake. I'm quite sure that some of it is the holidays. I wake up and look at myself and hate it. I want it to be different now. I know that's not possible, which only makes me angrier at myself. Around and around and around I am going right now. Logging and weighing my food is what I need to stick with for a while. Logging, but not weighing my food is what I need to stick with for a while. Not worrying about eating and being sure to work out every day of the week is what I need to stick with for a while. Not worrying about eating and working out every other day is what I need to stick with for a while. Wow. All these things I am telling myself I need to do, and when one doesn't make me wake up not fat I want to toss it aside and keep going. I am afraid that if I stop being vigilent (i.e. belittling myself and every accomplishment I make) I will be fat forever. This way continues to fail me. I'm not skinny and I'm not happy with myself. So, what do I need to stick with for a while? I trip, and find myself back at square one. Journaling every day is what I need to stick with for a while. Writing in my blog is what I need to stick with for a while. Posting to the Princess Posse is what I need to stick with for a while. I even find ways to hate myself more from trying to stop hating myself. I see the irony in that statement. So, today. What is today? What is my plan?

To drink more water - at least To say, 'try it'. Try breathing a few deep breaths and see how I feel. Try checking in with myself during the day and see how I feel.

Can I Handle the Truth?

I can handle the truth when the conversation is wrapped in the love and support of my husband. I can handle the truth when I squirrel away to get lost journaling. I can handle the truth when I talk to my therapist each week. Can I handle the truth being posted on my blog? I realize this is not a heavily trafficked site, but knowing that my colleagues, family, and friends anyone could read my truth is scary. My fear comes from a place of shame and embarrassment, but I believe that sharing it here will temper my fear. I'll leave you with this nugget of truth and inspiration that I came across through my running group. I found it on Mom's Magical Miles blog, where it is accompanied by a great post, 'Workout Wednesday: Too Fat to Fly'!

Race Recap.... Coming Soon

Life is frustrating me. I am feeling pulled in a thousand different directions with a thousand different things that need to be completed yesterday. This morning, for what may be the first time in my entire life, I legitimately ate a doughnut. My day had really taken a twist I hadn't expected and I was running late for my next meeting - my next 1.5 hour meeting. It was the only option. As it turns out an apple was also an option, which I took with me and inhaled just as quickly as the doughnut.

Why was the Princess 1/2 so special for me? It was the 5th anniversary of the race. It was our fifth wedding anniversary the exact same day. I am heavier than I have been in a long, long time and I had virtually no faith in myself. The lack of faith isn't much of a surprise, but it did feel different this time for some reason. Aside from cheating myself on my training I had done everything possible leading up to the race: lots of water beforehand, avoiding sketchy foods beforehand, and perhaps most important starting early with fuel and water while running.

Turns out it was also special because I am excited for the next race. Now that I've done two 1/2 marathons, I really do mean it that I like that distance. I also really like writing that I've done 2 since 1 could be a fluke. Having completed 2 feels more like a reflection on me, lends a sense of legitimacy to the idea that I am a runner. When I was 18 I got a tattoo, and I still am glad about that decision. In the last two weeks I have been thinking that getting a tattoo that symbolizes 13.1 in some way is what I want. It can't be taken away from me, no matter what, and that is worthy of a permanent reminder on my body. That might sound strange, but I need something concrete to embed it into my being, into my psyche. Are there other ways in which it could be solidified with a tattoo?

Private Journal Seems Too Private

I had hoped that having this blog private would allow me to use it as a journal. It's not really working that way. I am going to make this public again, and get a paper journal.

Monday Recap

Another attempt to remember all that I ate:

6:30am: bagel with provolone cheese, ham

10:00am: yogurt

11:00am: coffee with equal and creamer

12:30pm: banana, lettuce/spinach with balsamic

3:30pm: yogurt

5:00pm: chicken wing

7:30pm: beans/cheese/chicken with salad and chips, tequila/seltzer water/juice

These entries are focused entirely on what I am eating - and not on how I'm feeling or anything else that one might think would be included in a journal. I think it's time to make this public and go back to a regular paper journal. 

Sunday Recap

I am writing this Tuesday, and will do my best to recall all that I ate. I went for a run, and it felt good. 

8:00am: Rest of the burger

10:00am: Oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, brown sugar, maple syrup, vanilla yogurt, raisins

1:00pm: lemon pound cake, hot cafe mocha

3:00pm: power bar

6:00pm: nachos (chips, salsa, guacamole, beef/cheese, bell pepper)

7:00pm: spaghetti with cheese/butter/garlic, roasted chicken wing

8:00pm: 2 thin mints and 2 butter cookies 

Long Day

Built the new community garden at Pearce Street today - it went much better than the build at Jax Beach.

8:15am: cinnamon crunch bagel with honey/walnut cream cheese
10:00am: 2 chocolate chip cookies
12:00pm: orange juice
2:00pm: bagel with egg/cheese/bacon
5:00pm: root beer, double cheeseburger and fries

I am still feeling swamped with work, and will spend Sunday working.

Struggling Today

Being really hungry during the day was not as stressful and challenging as it might have been. The tricky part was when I got home. I was tired. I was hungry. I had a lot more work to do. I ate 1 nutrigrain bar. I ate another. Then I scarfed down a third. I made wiser choices as the night went on - seltzer water and juice instead of caffeinated soda. I opted for the light, frozen burrito over Taco Bell. I opted for a cup of sweet tea instead of a bag of candy from the store.

7:00am - Bagel with sausage, piece of cheese
9:30am - Coffee with 2 equal and coffeemate
12:00pm - Piece of cheese and an apple
1:30pm: Pasta with chicken, relish, mayo, mustard, spinach
4:30pm: Yogurt
7:00pm: 3 nutrigrain bars
7:30pm: Annie's frozen, light burrito, Juice with seltzer water
10:00pm: Tea sweetened with agave

I tried to talk back to the urge I was having for the nutrigrain bars. I know it wasn't a healthy choice to eat all 3, but they did taste really good. ....